don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
