it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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