i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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