if i can run in heels then i can drive
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
