So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
