oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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