Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
