I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
