My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
