I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I AM VODKA MAN
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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