Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I didn't notice because vodka
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
