I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
