Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I need a burrito and a hug.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
