fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
