just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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