i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
