oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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