Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
