I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
