Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
