it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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