the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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