I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
