Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
