You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
