he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
