Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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