That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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