im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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