That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
