I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
