ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
