I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
They took my balls.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
