Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
