"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
