The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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