Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
