you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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