Four minutes until I can fart!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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