where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
