Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
