1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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