well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
