So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Randomize
