The maid of honor just puked.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
