totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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