1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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