i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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