i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
