my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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